They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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