Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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