I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
