Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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