Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
