Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
