Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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