My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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