I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why do cheetos always look like penises
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
