I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
