Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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