Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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