Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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