WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
