Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
