I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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