By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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