The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
