Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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