Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
