I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
