I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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