When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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