I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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