woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
