that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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