i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
