my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
