Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
