Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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