Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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