Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
