my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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