I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
