Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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