Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
