update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
