i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
