Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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