I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
