So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
