We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
