apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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