My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
