he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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