I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
