I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
