dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
