Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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