I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
