Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
