I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
