im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
