when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
