The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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