Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
