remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
