We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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