the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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