I'm jealous of your bromance
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
