Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
