He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
