I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
no you cant smoke seaweed
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
