well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
