so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
